Crossing the Divide

“Brrr! It feels like winter’s arrived,” declared a jolly stranger, as I entered the Brooks Room in Bend’s Library  November 7, 2018. An aromatic, eclectic, and attractive dinner banquet and two cheery faces greeted me, quite a warm and welcoming contrast to the “Brrr” comment airing in the background: my introduction to Bend’s fifth Community Conversation.

Community Conversations aspires to bring diverse locals together quarterly and spark purposeful conversation, uniting in a mission to keep Bend’s community strong by communicating and listening to one another. In this post, I will describe the group’s November 7 gathering, then share my personal take-aways.  

Thursday’s theme, “Crossing the Divide: Listening for understanding with people possessing different political beliefs”, involved several thought-provoking exercises.  First, we individually reviewed 26 value words and selected the three with which we most identified.  Next, we shared our values with a partner, and finally, in six groups of roughly six, we identified our small group’s common values and then shared these with the full group. We discovered that we humans share many, if not most, core values. Five of the six groups cited “compassion” and “integrity” on their short lists, and “purpose” surfaced for four of the six groups as well. 

Next, we regrouped in triads for a listening exercise. Taking turns, each person shared a belief, while another person listened for understanding--listening to simply hear--then paraphrasing reflectively--the other’s words, without judgment, problem-solving, interpretation, or reaction—simply listening with respect.   An observer processed the reflection and paraphrase that the listener provided, reporting his/her observations about the conversation. 

Finally, all of us formed a 35-person circle and processed the full session, including the following comments:

• It’s important to simply listen to understand versus listening in order to reply; listening for understanding means staying attentive, without bringing in your opinion or thoughts.
• Words mean different things to different people – for example, “faith” might mean organized religion to one person, and trust in others/optimism to another. Clarify meaning, and don’t assume.
• Understand the person’s context. Pause the conversation and ask for clarity when you don’t understand the context.
• Don’t assume things about people – some of us are invisible minorities.
• True listening for understanding involves disabling our filters.
• Get to core values, where we share common ground.
• Understand that some people’s perspectives are rooted in fear or trauma.
• Extend kindness to all with whom we come in contact.
• Remember, conflicting opinions are not a personal attack.
• We don’t have to reach agreement, but we can find consilience, integrating  the best of each others’ ideas to find new solutions.
• Conversations that jump from one point of difference to another don’t lead to understanding. Try to stay on point with one issue.
• It can be hard not to be triggered, especially if someone makes a shocking statement. Instead, breathe deeply and slow down.
  
• Pay attention to our deep-energy level response, and build capacity to take in conflicting information.
  

 
My thoughts, in conclusion.
Our humanity brings us together and tears us apart.  We have so very much in common as human beings, yet our primal fears, emotional reactivity, and communication sometimes sabotage our best intents.  This group of people all shared the desire to communicate across the divide, and I think it’s beautiful that in Bend, Oregon, folks are learning skills and practicing these to better understand themselves and communicate with those with whom they disagree.  There is indeed a powerful magic that befalls when giving another person your attentive listening. The speaker feels heard, acknowledged, and validated as a human being.  What we practiced tonight, attentive listening and reflection, are less likely to lead to conflict, and more likely to lead to learning and harmony.  What more can we possibly hope to have with our fellow friends, family, neighbors, and citizens?

Susan Roudebush

Susan is a contributing author.